Sunday, May 29, 2011

A Whisper That Grew to a Roar

A whisper. A soft, subtle voice.
There was a whisper that was told last week that changed me –and when I found out the source of the whisper – it made me mad, it made me revengeful, it made me loose sleep, it made me question my employment. Even a whisper can cause damage.
This whisper was allowed to grow. It didn’t have to. It didn’t have to take on the voice of a lion. It didn’t have to roar. But it did – because it was allowed to. Without a second thought – this whisper has put a chip in my reputation. You can put the chip back, but there will always be the reminder that your reputation has been compromised. There will always be a small crack, a small broken piece that will serve as a signal.
People act like this isn’t a big deal for the ‘truth will be told’. Yes, but after the fact. After the whisper was given voice to roar. The hell with my character, the hell with my reputation, the hell with my work performance and the hell with me. There was 24 hours to find the source of truth (or untruth as is in this case)before this whisper had to be shared. But they didn’t. They took that whisper and gave it a voice. A voice that has damaged my reputation.
I was raised to be a person of integrity. This was important to my parents and I pray it is important to my children. When my time here is complete; my character, my choices, my integrity is what I hope to be remembered by.
That whisper that was given the opportunity to grow last week hurt me to my core. No wait, it wasn't the whisper that hurt, it was the response. I truly believe it did not need to be voiced in the manner in which it was. People that I have been associated with for years heard this whisper. People that I respect, and people that respected me. My character, my reputation, my integrity were called into question.
I hope I learn something from this. When faced with adversity I try to find out the ‘why’. When I went through the divorce; I learned not to judge broken marriages as couples ‘just giving up’. I realized some people do work hard to make them work, and that it isn’t always as cut and dried as I used to think. When I went through cancer; I learned that as ugly as this disease is – it can invade my body, but it can not defeat me unless I give it the power to do so. There are people like Joannie; who although lost her battle with cancer, showed me how to confront it with grace and dignity.
So maybe this is another lesson. It took awhile for me to 'get' the lesson on the two examples just shared. All I know, I hurt. All I know, I have lost some energy. All I know, I have lost some faith.
Some of you know what I am going through personally right now. I hate this time of year with a passion that can not be defined. I relive "The Great Sadness" as it is charactized in The Shack. Every year I say 'not this year' . . . but it still haunts me. It starts May 22nd; Dad's birthday. Then May 29th when I remember saying goodbye to Joannie because I had to go back to Seymour so that on May 31st I could have lumps removed from my breast. Two days later (June 2nd) Joannie said goodbye to us. Then on June 6th - I relive Dad's death, and not being able to be there to say goodbye to him. I had been by his side for three day weekends for two months, and he died on a Thursday eve. I was heading up the next morning - I missed saying goodbye. We buried him the week of Father's Day. I want to get past this. I want to move on - I want to get past this "The Great Sadness" I have allowed to breed within me. Nine years have come and gone since Dad passed away, and six since Joannie. I need to move on. I prayed on Sunday, May 22nd that God would find something to help fill this void I am struggling with. God - if this was your 'filler' - if this was your idea to take my mind off other things; you did a poor job. You over estimated me. This didn't do it - only makes it hurt more.
Prayers accepted. Prayers for direction, prayers for peace, prayers for acceptance, prayers that this whisper fades. It won't die, to late for that, but maybe it can fade away.
Thanks for listening,